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War of the Worlds

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Today is one of those days. In fact, it’s kinda been feeling like it’s been going for a few weeks now.

I haven’t wanted to write on here but I get overwhelmed by the monster in my head telling me that I shouldn’t. It fills me full of self-doubt, anxiety and anger. It makes me feel useless, and worthless.

It’s like I have two monsters in my head. One is bad and the other is good, like Jekyll and Hyde. Jekyll makes me happy, balanced. He allows me to work hard, put make up on because I feel good. He is encouraging and warm, funny and intelligent. I’d like to think that he reflects my natural personality.

Then we come to Hyde. The thing is that Jekyll get bored or tired or weak and goes off to find something better to do which leaves Hyde. Hyde gives me headaches. He’s mean and tells me that I’m not worthy, that I don’t measure up. He lets me makes mistakes and then mocks me for them. So I’ve learnt not to make choices. He mocks me for that too.

I fight him but he never lets me win.

But, as I’m writing this I’m realising that I have the war going on inside me and I don’t think I’m fighting Hyde alone. You see, when Jekyll is hibernating and Hyde is running rampage with me it’s difficult for me to carry on with normal daily life. Hyde kind of rules over Fibro and Annie (anxiety). They don’t always work at a threesome, but usually Hyde annoys one of the two and then they all get involved. When the three of them are running riot it makes it difficult for Auts (autism) to behave too but I think that’s because my patience is already wearing thin.

Back to my point; when all of this is going on I’m just stood in the middle while they fight over me, they fight over who gets the bigger room (head space) and who gets the last chocolate bar (energy). Sometimes you don’t seem who else is fighting for you.

I have these other energies that try and help me stabilise. We have Solider. He really isn’t shy about getting in there and taking more than his share of hits, never faltering. He brings supplies with him, sets up camp and will stay on duty constantly if I need him too.

Next we have Balance. She’s been there my whole life, literally. She wraps me in a bubble and lifts me out of the situation so I can see what’s going on. She gives me the other side to every argument, just in case I need it, and she has Soldier’s back too. She’ll let me know if he’s taking too make or unnecessary hits. Sometimes that’s enough for me to put Hyde back in his box, because I’m quite fond of Solider and for the ones I love I will do great and terrible things.

Lastly we have the mini energies. The two of them don’t always get along, but I love them like children (they fight like siblings). They are noisy, and demanding, but ever loving. A head bump or chirp from them can make everyone stand still for a second in pure silence. They let me refocus.

It’s busy in my head, to say the least but looking back I have no idea how it would function without all this stuff going on. It’s exhausting, painful and delicate but I don’t know any other way than to keep fighting.

Kim x


Weekly Update #3

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Day 22

No adjustments in medication this week. We are keeping to 150mg extended release and 25mg immediate.

I’ve discovered a new side effect! Memory loss. I forget things very quickly, usually within minutes of being told them or thinking of them, and now need reminders for everything. Like yesterday and today I tried to constantly remind myself to put medication in my work bag. I set reminders on my phone. I still managed to forget and only remembered that I didn’t have them until it was time to take them.

I still have a loss of appetite and have lost some weight but I think more inches. Some clothes and parts of my body are feeling different, but my weight has only decreased by 2kgs.

I still think I’ve been doing well with mood changes. I’m still noticing some but nothing I can’t cope with, or cant pull myself out of. Until today.

I have a mini-breakdown (for lack of a better word). I called the doctors at the beginning of the week to get my next months tablets and was told they know nothing of the change. After a lot of ringing around I finally managed to speak to the medical secretary who ensured that the letter confirming the change was to be fax over urgently yesterday.

I called them today and was told I would get a call back from the doctor. I did (shock) and was told that he would try to get my medications issued early next week. The thing is, he advise that they probably had the letter and that it just hadn’t been processed at the surgery.

He also couldn’t tell me how long it will take for them to completely process it… So… what do I do? Do I just go without? My consultant explicitly told me not too because of how long I’d been on them. Do I skip doses to make them last longer? Do I go down there to beg and plead? Am I going to have to do this every month when I need a change?

So this triggered an awful spiral down; I’ll just hurt myself and go to A&E. I’ll force them to help me. It’s my fault for being so broken and it would be so much easier if no one had to deal with this. I mean, the doctors surely think so.

I know these thought are bad, and I’m probably overwhelmed by Christmas but I just couldn’t help me. So I cried and Adam talked to me. I probably worried him which I feel awful for but I just can’t fight like this every month. And no one can fight for me.

I’m hoping this get resolved and I get to continue on my journey to get off my medication. I’m putting this all down to just being overwhelmed.

I blame Christmas.

Kim x




Rant: Be Strong

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I keep seeing these people who go on about being strong. I guess it goes somewhat hand in hand with mental health. And, don’t get me wrong, it’s great when you’re in the right mind space.

All things given I feel that I’m in a good place mentally, but today I saw a post that just annoyed me. I’m 100% sure that the poster meant well and I’m not into the business of telling people what they can and cannot post, and yes I know I can unfollow things I don’t want to see.

My issue isn’t directly with the phrase used: “Be Strong”. My issue is with what people think “strong” looks like. It’s always portrayed as fighting the world, or taking on new ventures. It’s always kicking mental health in the arse and achieving goals that you didn’t think you’d ever meet.

But what when it’s not? What if being strong is just getting out of bed one morning? What if being strong is letting people see how much you are struggling, or breaking down in front of your family and letting them know everything is not okay? What if being strong is making that phone call for help when you are stood at the edge of a bridge or staring into a bottle of pain medication?

I don’t want to stop everyone celebrating their wins. I really don’t. If you are someone that is currently in a great place or is making taking huge leaps towards the success of getting better than well done. Really. Because I know its not easy.

But you should know that in those dark moments you need to celebrate the small things. You need to count those as successes because it’s rough, especially when you’re on a path that feels like it never ends.

What I’m trying to say is lets celebrate each other for all the small things as well as a big things. Whether it’s completing that 5k run or just taking a shower; lets be strong. Lets celebrate together.

Speak up if you need help and speak up if you can give help.

Kim x