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War of the Worlds

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Today is one of those days. In fact, it’s kinda been feeling like it’s been going for a few weeks now.

I haven’t wanted to write on here but I get overwhelmed by the monster in my head telling me that I shouldn’t. It fills me full of self-doubt, anxiety and anger. It makes me feel useless, and worthless.

It’s like I have two monsters in my head. One is bad and the other is good, like Jekyll and Hyde. Jekyll makes me happy, balanced. He allows me to work hard, put make up on because I feel good. He is encouraging and warm, funny and intelligent. I’d like to think that he reflects my natural personality.

Then we come to Hyde. The thing is that Jekyll get bored or tired or weak and goes off to find something better to do which leaves Hyde. Hyde gives me headaches. He’s mean and tells me that I’m not worthy, that I don’t measure up. He lets me makes mistakes and then mocks me for them. So I’ve learnt not to make choices. He mocks me for that too.

I fight him but he never lets me win.

But, as I’m writing this I’m realising that I have the war going on inside me and I don’t think I’m fighting Hyde alone. You see, when Jekyll is hibernating and Hyde is running rampage with me it’s difficult for me to carry on with normal daily life. Hyde kind of rules over Fibro and Annie (anxiety). They don’t always work at a threesome, but usually Hyde annoys one of the two and then they all get involved. When the three of them are running riot it makes it difficult for Auts (autism) to behave too but I think that’s because my patience is already wearing thin.

Back to my point; when all of this is going on I’m just stood in the middle while they fight over me, they fight over who gets the bigger room (head space) and who gets the last chocolate bar (energy). Sometimes you don’t seem who else is fighting for you.

I have these other energies that try and help me stabilise. We have Solider. He really isn’t shy about getting in there and taking more than his share of hits, never faltering. He brings supplies with him, sets up camp and will stay on duty constantly if I need him too.

Next we have Balance. She’s been there my whole life, literally. She wraps me in a bubble and lifts me out of the situation so I can see what’s going on. She gives me the other side to every argument, just in case I need it, and she has Soldier’s back too. She’ll let me know if he’s taking too make or unnecessary hits. Sometimes that’s enough for me to put Hyde back in his box, because I’m quite fond of Solider and for the ones I love I will do great and terrible things.

Lastly we have the mini energies. The two of them don’t always get along, but I love them like children (they fight like siblings). They are noisy, and demanding, but ever loving. A head bump or chirp from them can make everyone stand still for a second in pure silence. They let me refocus.

It’s busy in my head, to say the least but looking back I have no idea how it would function without all this stuff going on. It’s exhausting, painful and delicate but I don’t know any other way than to keep fighting.

Kim x

 

Weekly Update #6

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It’s been a while since I last gave an update on medication. I’ve struggled to write anything, maybe writers block, I dunno.

Anyway, I’m still on 150mg extended release. I decided to take an extra few weeks to let me body adjust because I was feeling a little out of control. This was the right choice because I’m feeling more settled again. I’m ready to try and reduce again in a few weeks time.

I back to normal eating habits, although I’m finding it somewhat easier to eat better foods for me like more veggies and fruits. I’m also trying to aim for my 5 a day and 2 litres of water. I think what is important is to keep reminding myself that its okay if I don’t hit those targets as long as I can honestly say I tried. (Like, really honestly say). And I am still reducing portion size.

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been hurting and haven’t bee able to do any Pilates. I’m having to save energy and pain tolerance for things like showering and cooking dinner, both of which have been a struggle over the last 2 weeks. However, I am not putting this down to medication changes. I think it’s a combination of fibro flares and weather.

I’ve noticed a change in my sleep patterns and mind fogginess. The mind fog is clearing and rapidly. I don’t usually feel much of that any more, just on days where my fibro is bad. But, I am struggling to sleep at night. I’m waking up a lot and it doesn’t really feel like I ever get a deep enough sleep. Could this be because I’m also struggling to fall asleep?

I can’t thank mediation and YouTube enough. Those are the only thinks that are helping me sleep even though I am also trying to stick to a regular schedule. I’d recommend anything by Michael Sealey.

I think I’ve rambled on enough now.

Kim x

 

 

 

Dream #1

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Last night I had a really weird dream. One of those that wake you up and keep you awake. It only lets you lightly doze for the rest of the night and wakes you up every 30 minutes.

It wasn’t anything particular traumatic but something I felt was giving me a meaning. I feel these dreams are just another side effect from my meds. Thinking back, nothing they was in my dream was anything to do with what I was watching on TV it talking about with anyone.

What I remember was seeing a friend who was pregnant. She was about ready to pop and went to the hospital to find out the baby was going to be still born. I remember having a Lego set to build, and going to a shop/cafe like place. They had a secret room that they would let me in. It was very white and clean.

This room somehow became white walls of a cave/room. Hubby and my friend was there and the wind was really blowing outside. There was a storm and, even though we were inside, we all got struck be lightening. I was first and I starting having a fit from it. I tried to tell the others but I couldn’t speak.

I feel like there are certain parts of my dream that stood out to me and were giving me a hidden meaning.

When dreaming about stillborns, it’s often linked to the end of something. Maybe trust in someone. It can also be linked to disruptions, failures or the loss of the feeling of achievement, like when you are trying to finish a project but loose it close to the end.

The second thing that stood out was the lightening strike. Often it’s paired with intuition and inspiration, but can be linked to raw energy with both the power to generate and be destructive.

The last thing was the fit/seizure. That only happens after I’d been struck by lightening. I could talk it warm people. This is usually representing a loss of control. The thing is, I could have sworn t was real. I would have put money on that I’d had some kind of seizure in real life. It scared me.

Maybe something will happen that I have no control over, something I lose and the dream was a warning. Maybe my brain was working overtime from the week. It just feels odd because last night was the first time I’d meditated in a week.

Or maybe it’s all in my head?

Kim x

Weekly Update #5

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Well I haven’t been able to weigh myself this week but I’m sure that I haven’t lost anything (which I am totally blaming on Christmas)…

I’m still on the 150mg extended release and this is the first week I’ve actually thought “Maybe I shouldn’t do this.” I’ve been able to feel my mood rollercoaster and it’s been reported that I’ve been grumpy (Sorry to my dear hubby xxx).

I’m going to see this through until the new year and I plan to stay on the 150mg threshold for an extra month to give myself more time to settle. It might seem like this is a step back but I’m seeing this as a step forward. I’m recognising that I need more time and I need to get this worked out correctly.

The appetite is coming back with vengeance but I also haven’t been doing my meditation either. I’m trying to channel it into eating more fruits and veggies. Even thought I think I’m hungrier, it’s easier to make better choices.

I’m also finding sleep harder. Staying asleep, getting to sleep. I’m trying to stick to a bed time routine which sees me going to bed at about 9pm, but I could still sleep for 12 hours.

Before I could have slept for 14-16 hours. I don’t feel any tireder for sleeping for less, which is good.

I was thinking that I was failing a little, and I was worried that I was going to have to go back. But after writing this I feel that I’m not as our of control as I thought. Maybe this is just me? Maybe I’m but a happy, bubbly person.

Everyone has mood swings, and moments of tears and frustrations. Maybe I’m not as ill as I thought, or maybe I’m learning to deal with myself as a person.

Kim x

Happy Yule!

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Yesterday we welcomed the winter solstice. It’s the shortest day of the year and from here on the days will start to get longer. Every 6 months there is a solstice (the next one being around the 21st of June).

The sun is reborn and it’s a symbol for life; meaning that spring is only a few months away. The earth will reawaken and start to grow and bloom again.

Our ancient ancestors spent a lot of time out doors. They hunted, farmed, celebrated all outdoors. The winter solstice was a turning point to celebrate the good news that another year was on it’s way. During the winter minimal crops grew, there were less animals to hunt and it would have been hard to see the seasons through. But summer and autumn are full of crops, plants, animals. Plenty to keep people alive.

Yule is celebrated by lighting a large bonfire where the people would gather and dedicated it to the Sun God. They were furnish their homes with evergreens to show that even though the land is in hibernation, there is still life, and they would decorate it and their homes with shiny objects to encourage the Sun God to shine.

Holly and mistletoe was used as fertility symbols to again show that there is still life and things still can grow in the darkest times. The holly represented blood of the Goddesses while the mistletoe symbolised the semen of the Gods.

Yule goes back to before we recorded time on paper, but you can find note about the Romans celebrating Saturnalia. This ran from approximately the 17th to 23rd of December. Ordinary rules were broken. Men dressed and women, servants dressed as masters, they had big feasts and were given lavish gifts.

It’s believed that Druids started the tradition of the Yule Log. They would take a log and cut it into 12. Each day another piece was burnt and a wish made for the coming year.

Many traditions are still followed by modern day pagans and non-pagans, although it is now seen as a Christian festival with most celebrating on the 25th of each year.

Love and light to you all. I hope the Gods see you get all you are due.

Blessed be

Kim x

Weekly Update #4

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Man, I’m starting to loose track of these!

Totally weight loss: 2kgs

Weekly weight loss: 0kgs

Medication: new dosage of 150mg extended release.

Starting today I’m only on the 150mg extended release. The thing I am worrying about the most is sleep. I need my sleep. I love it. Even when I was a baby I slept well and a lot. I get slumpy (sleepy-grumpy) easily and I’m not a nice person to be around. Lately I’ve been using a lot of meditation to help with that.

So the food thing is still an issue. I really can’t eat as much as I used too, and I shoes in things like chocolates. Where as before I could eat a whole sharing bag of Galaxy Counters, these days I struggle with even a quarter. I want more fruit and veggies. It’s like my body is choosing them. I’m also not fussed whether I eat or not. For the most part I’m eating because I should or because I like the taste, not hunger.

I’m also starting to wear some stuff I couldn’t fit into before so maybe my scales are wrong because they don’t show a great loss. I can feel certain parts of my body have changed and I feel I am curvier in the right places. Hubby has noticed a difference too.

I’m still having mood swings but trying really hard to manage them, although I feel they are becoming more noticeable to outsiders. I don’t know if I’m struggling to manage my autism more or not. Those parts of me are struggling to be kept under control.

I need to be in a routine and I need to have things done in a certain way. It’s getting to me more and more when this doesn’t happen. Yes, I know I sound like a spoilt brat but I promise you it’s not just about getting my own way.

Generally still having less foggy brain days (except for the fibro ones), but I am having more aches and pains lately. At the moment I’m choosing to put them down to either fibro, tiredness, or both.

The next 4 weeks will be a challenge especially with Christmas, and I’m toying with the idea of trying to keep a mood by hour diary. This is when you take a 12 hour period, like 8am to 8pm and every hour you right down a number from 1 to 10. 1 being the worst possible mood you can imagine and 10 being the best, manic mood.

But I’m pretty lazy and it is the holidays so we’ll see…

Kim x

Weekly Update #3

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Day 22

No adjustments in medication this week. We are keeping to 150mg extended release and 25mg immediate.

I’ve discovered a new side effect! Memory loss. I forget things very quickly, usually within minutes of being told them or thinking of them, and now need reminders for everything. Like yesterday and today I tried to constantly remind myself to put medication in my work bag. I set reminders on my phone. I still managed to forget and only remembered that I didn’t have them until it was time to take them.

I still have a loss of appetite and have lost some weight but I think more inches. Some clothes and parts of my body are feeling different, but my weight has only decreased by 2kgs.

I still think I’ve been doing well with mood changes. I’m still noticing some but nothing I can’t cope with, or cant pull myself out of. Until today.

I have a mini-breakdown (for lack of a better word). I called the doctors at the beginning of the week to get my next months tablets and was told they know nothing of the change. After a lot of ringing around I finally managed to speak to the medical secretary who ensured that the letter confirming the change was to be fax over urgently yesterday.

I called them today and was told I would get a call back from the doctor. I did (shock) and was told that he would try to get my medications issued early next week. The thing is, he advise that they probably had the letter and that it just hadn’t been processed at the surgery.

He also couldn’t tell me how long it will take for them to completely process it… So… what do I do? Do I just go without? My consultant explicitly told me not too because of how long I’d been on them. Do I skip doses to make them last longer? Do I go down there to beg and plead? Am I going to have to do this every month when I need a change?

So this triggered an awful spiral down; I’ll just hurt myself and go to A&E. I’ll force them to help me. It’s my fault for being so broken and it would be so much easier if no one had to deal with this. I mean, the doctors surely think so.

I know these thought are bad, and I’m probably overwhelmed by Christmas but I just couldn’t help me. So I cried and Adam talked to me. I probably worried him which I feel awful for but I just can’t fight like this every month. And no one can fight for me.

I’m hoping this get resolved and I get to continue on my journey to get off my medication. I’m putting this all down to just being overwhelmed.

I blame Christmas.

Kim x