RSS Feed

Tag Archives: new blog

Happy

Posted on

Over the past week or so I’ve been on a rollercoaster of thoughts. However, I’m finding that if I can work past them I’m actually happier than when I was on the higher dose of meds.

It feels like true happiness. Before felt kind of….manufactured.

So, I’ve been back crocheting. Making dragons this time. (The pattern is from Little Bear Crochets. I believe there is a website but I got the patterns from Etsy).

Having this is so relaxing and it helps so much with my anxiety, it really does means the difference between sleeping and not some nights.

I just wanted to show you how these little dragons have helped me through some really difficult head spaces.

If you are struggling with mental health, even if your not actually, I encourage you to take up a hobby. Anything creative is a huge outlet for all sorts of emotions and feelings. I find it calms the mind in more ways than one, and for tonight I’m going to sleep happy. Not content, not okay. Happy. Real happiness.

Would you rather…?

Posted on

The past few days (maybe the last 5-10) have been an increasing difficult game of would you rather.

Would you rather eat or shower?

Would you rather clean your teeth or get dressed?

Would you rather think or listen?

I don’t have enough energy to function. I don’t have enough left to be human. Every morning I wake up with a headache, thinking to myself “I can’t do this anymore” or “How am I going to make it through today?”

I feel like I couldn’t just sleep forever.

Weekly Update #6

Posted on

It’s been a while since I last gave an update on medication. I’ve struggled to write anything, maybe writers block, I dunno.

Anyway, I’m still on 150mg extended release. I decided to take an extra few weeks to let me body adjust because I was feeling a little out of control. This was the right choice because I’m feeling more settled again. I’m ready to try and reduce again in a few weeks time.

I back to normal eating habits, although I’m finding it somewhat easier to eat better foods for me like more veggies and fruits. I’m also trying to aim for my 5 a day and 2 litres of water. I think what is important is to keep reminding myself that its okay if I don’t hit those targets as long as I can honestly say I tried. (Like, really honestly say). And I am still reducing portion size.

Over the past couple of weeks I have really been hurting and haven’t bee able to do any Pilates. I’m having to save energy and pain tolerance for things like showering and cooking dinner, both of which have been a struggle over the last 2 weeks. However, I am not putting this down to medication changes. I think it’s a combination of fibro flares and weather.

I’ve noticed a change in my sleep patterns and mind fogginess. The mind fog is clearing and rapidly. I don’t usually feel much of that any more, just on days where my fibro is bad. But, I am struggling to sleep at night. I’m waking up a lot and it doesn’t really feel like I ever get a deep enough sleep. Could this be because I’m also struggling to fall asleep?

I can’t thank mediation and YouTube enough. Those are the only thinks that are helping me sleep even though I am also trying to stick to a regular schedule. I’d recommend anything by Michael Sealey.

I think I’ve rambled on enough now.

Kim x

 

 

 

Well that was fun (!)

Posted on
Well that was fun (!)

Today was the first time I had a panic attack in public.

I flew home from a lovely few days in Spain. Flights always give me a little anxiety because I struggle to be around so many people, and these people are strangers. I also have issues with sound and a huge fear of people being sick.

We started to pull away from the gate and guy behind me started vomiting. I went straight into panic mode.

I cupped my ears (thankfully I managed to get headphones in), started crying, rocking. I couldn’t breathe and I just curled as far away as I could which as you can probably imagine isn’t really that easy on a plane. I assume people were looking at me.

Thankfully, Hubby knew what to do. He rubbed my back, and put music on my phone. He explained to those around me who were probably giving me the weirdest looks. He protected me as much as he could. He was perfect. I know that people react differently, but having someone around who knows how to help you is the best thing. I have no idea how I would have coped with him.

It was hugely embarrassing, but having him to help did make it better in the end.

So to everyone on the jet2 flight LS1216 from Alicante, staff included, I’m so sorry you had to see that. Thank you for making me feel normal.

If you only do one thing in the new year, and you’re struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, try and tell someone. They’ll understand more and if anything it might make your panic attack a slightly be easier to deal with.

Happy new year and blessed be

Kim x

Dream #1

Posted on

Last night I had a really weird dream. One of those that wake you up and keep you awake. It only lets you lightly doze for the rest of the night and wakes you up every 30 minutes.

It wasn’t anything particular traumatic but something I felt was giving me a meaning. I feel these dreams are just another side effect from my meds. Thinking back, nothing they was in my dream was anything to do with what I was watching on TV it talking about with anyone.

What I remember was seeing a friend who was pregnant. She was about ready to pop and went to the hospital to find out the baby was going to be still born. I remember having a Lego set to build, and going to a shop/cafe like place. They had a secret room that they would let me in. It was very white and clean.

This room somehow became white walls of a cave/room. Hubby and my friend was there and the wind was really blowing outside. There was a storm and, even though we were inside, we all got struck be lightening. I was first and I starting having a fit from it. I tried to tell the others but I couldn’t speak.

I feel like there are certain parts of my dream that stood out to me and were giving me a hidden meaning.

When dreaming about stillborns, it’s often linked to the end of something. Maybe trust in someone. It can also be linked to disruptions, failures or the loss of the feeling of achievement, like when you are trying to finish a project but loose it close to the end.

The second thing that stood out was the lightening strike. Often it’s paired with intuition and inspiration, but can be linked to raw energy with both the power to generate and be destructive.

The last thing was the fit/seizure. That only happens after I’d been struck by lightening. I could talk it warm people. This is usually representing a loss of control. The thing is, I could have sworn t was real. I would have put money on that I’d had some kind of seizure in real life. It scared me.

Maybe something will happen that I have no control over, something I lose and the dream was a warning. Maybe my brain was working overtime from the week. It just feels odd because last night was the first time I’d meditated in a week.

Or maybe it’s all in my head?

Kim x

Weekly Update #5

Posted on

Well I haven’t been able to weigh myself this week but I’m sure that I haven’t lost anything (which I am totally blaming on Christmas)…

I’m still on the 150mg extended release and this is the first week I’ve actually thought “Maybe I shouldn’t do this.” I’ve been able to feel my mood rollercoaster and it’s been reported that I’ve been grumpy (Sorry to my dear hubby xxx).

I’m going to see this through until the new year and I plan to stay on the 150mg threshold for an extra month to give myself more time to settle. It might seem like this is a step back but I’m seeing this as a step forward. I’m recognising that I need more time and I need to get this worked out correctly.

The appetite is coming back with vengeance but I also haven’t been doing my meditation either. I’m trying to channel it into eating more fruits and veggies. Even thought I think I’m hungrier, it’s easier to make better choices.

I’m also finding sleep harder. Staying asleep, getting to sleep. I’m trying to stick to a bed time routine which sees me going to bed at about 9pm, but I could still sleep for 12 hours.

Before I could have slept for 14-16 hours. I don’t feel any tireder for sleeping for less, which is good.

I was thinking that I was failing a little, and I was worried that I was going to have to go back. But after writing this I feel that I’m not as our of control as I thought. Maybe this is just me? Maybe I’m but a happy, bubbly person.

Everyone has mood swings, and moments of tears and frustrations. Maybe I’m not as ill as I thought, or maybe I’m learning to deal with myself as a person.

Kim x

Happy Yule!

Posted on

Yesterday we welcomed the winter solstice. It’s the shortest day of the year and from here on the days will start to get longer. Every 6 months there is a solstice (the next one being around the 21st of June).

The sun is reborn and it’s a symbol for life; meaning that spring is only a few months away. The earth will reawaken and start to grow and bloom again.

Our ancient ancestors spent a lot of time out doors. They hunted, farmed, celebrated all outdoors. The winter solstice was a turning point to celebrate the good news that another year was on it’s way. During the winter minimal crops grew, there were less animals to hunt and it would have been hard to see the seasons through. But summer and autumn are full of crops, plants, animals. Plenty to keep people alive.

Yule is celebrated by lighting a large bonfire where the people would gather and dedicated it to the Sun God. They were furnish their homes with evergreens to show that even though the land is in hibernation, there is still life, and they would decorate it and their homes with shiny objects to encourage the Sun God to shine.

Holly and mistletoe was used as fertility symbols to again show that there is still life and things still can grow in the darkest times. The holly represented blood of the Goddesses while the mistletoe symbolised the semen of the Gods.

Yule goes back to before we recorded time on paper, but you can find note about the Romans celebrating Saturnalia. This ran from approximately the 17th to 23rd of December. Ordinary rules were broken. Men dressed and women, servants dressed as masters, they had big feasts and were given lavish gifts.

It’s believed that Druids started the tradition of the Yule Log. They would take a log and cut it into 12. Each day another piece was burnt and a wish made for the coming year.

Many traditions are still followed by modern day pagans and non-pagans, although it is now seen as a Christian festival with most celebrating on the 25th of each year.

Love and light to you all. I hope the Gods see you get all you are due.

Blessed be

Kim x