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How’s the weather?

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You know when you sit there for ages trying to get your thoughts in a line so you can write a blog post? Everything just seems to keep spinning around and suddenly your head has turned into come kind of weather station, with this hurricane of words just circling and circling. Clear thoughts seem foggy, or whatever you’re supposed to be focused on gets covered in an avalanche as your mind snowballs into oblivion.

Suddenly you’re thinking about how your life fits into the idea of what you thought it would be. You feel shackled to routine by tablet alarms and bed times, because you’re a sensitive little snowflake and you hate that. You feel half the person you should be, because you know you aren’t like everyone else.

You rely on artificial relaxation to help you sleep and you subscribe to weight loss plans that are selling common sense. Slowly, you start to break away from the herd, hoping that you’ll have the space to change and grow into who you really are.

But you find yourself looking back and you realise you’re tired from forcing yourself to grow. You realise that even while you soar, you aren’t a bird. You’re a kite, forever tethered.

The rain tastes like freedom, the fresh air smells like rejuvenation, the sun feels like happiness. And you crave it, reaching out only for it to brush against your fingertips as the shackles pull you back into the eye of the storm.

Weekly Update #5

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Well I haven’t been able to weigh myself this week but I’m sure that I haven’t lost anything (which I am totally blaming on Christmas)…

I’m still on the 150mg extended release and this is the first week I’ve actually thought “Maybe I shouldn’t do this.” I’ve been able to feel my mood rollercoaster and it’s been reported that I’ve been grumpy (Sorry to my dear hubby xxx).

I’m going to see this through until the new year and I plan to stay on the 150mg threshold for an extra month to give myself more time to settle. It might seem like this is a step back but I’m seeing this as a step forward. I’m recognising that I need more time and I need to get this worked out correctly.

The appetite is coming back with vengeance but I also haven’t been doing my meditation either. I’m trying to channel it into eating more fruits and veggies. Even thought I think I’m hungrier, it’s easier to make better choices.

I’m also finding sleep harder. Staying asleep, getting to sleep. I’m trying to stick to a bed time routine which sees me going to bed at about 9pm, but I could still sleep for 12 hours.

Before I could have slept for 14-16 hours. I don’t feel any tireder for sleeping for less, which is good.

I was thinking that I was failing a little, and I was worried that I was going to have to go back. But after writing this I feel that I’m not as our of control as I thought. Maybe this is just me? Maybe I’m but a happy, bubbly person.

Everyone has mood swings, and moments of tears and frustrations. Maybe I’m not as ill as I thought, or maybe I’m learning to deal with myself as a person.

Kim x

Weekly Update #4

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Man, I’m starting to loose track of these!

Totally weight loss: 2kgs

Weekly weight loss: 0kgs

Medication: new dosage of 150mg extended release.

Starting today I’m only on the 150mg extended release. The thing I am worrying about the most is sleep. I need my sleep. I love it. Even when I was a baby I slept well and a lot. I get slumpy (sleepy-grumpy) easily and I’m not a nice person to be around. Lately I’ve been using a lot of meditation to help with that.

So the food thing is still an issue. I really can’t eat as much as I used too, and I shoes in things like chocolates. Where as before I could eat a whole sharing bag of Galaxy Counters, these days I struggle with even a quarter. I want more fruit and veggies. It’s like my body is choosing them. I’m also not fussed whether I eat or not. For the most part I’m eating because I should or because I like the taste, not hunger.

I’m also starting to wear some stuff I couldn’t fit into before so maybe my scales are wrong because they don’t show a great loss. I can feel certain parts of my body have changed and I feel I am curvier in the right places. Hubby has noticed a difference too.

I’m still having mood swings but trying really hard to manage them, although I feel they are becoming more noticeable to outsiders. I don’t know if I’m struggling to manage my autism more or not. Those parts of me are struggling to be kept under control.

I need to be in a routine and I need to have things done in a certain way. It’s getting to me more and more when this doesn’t happen. Yes, I know I sound like a spoilt brat but I promise you it’s not just about getting my own way.

Generally still having less foggy brain days (except for the fibro ones), but I am having more aches and pains lately. At the moment I’m choosing to put them down to either fibro, tiredness, or both.

The next 4 weeks will be a challenge especially with Christmas, and I’m toying with the idea of trying to keep a mood by hour diary. This is when you take a 12 hour period, like 8am to 8pm and every hour you right down a number from 1 to 10. 1 being the worst possible mood you can imagine and 10 being the best, manic mood.

But I’m pretty lazy and it is the holidays so we’ll see…

Kim x

Weekly Update #2

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Day 15

No adjustments in meds this week. We are keeping to 150mg extended release and 25mg immediate.

 

The lack of appetite is still there, although maybe not at strong. There are some days where I am struggling to eat at all, but I’m taking this opportunity to eat smaller portions and better food in the hope that the two combined mean some more weight loss.

I’m also feeling clearer still which is great. I’ve also noticed less headaches. I’m starting to wonder if this is maybe the reason why I was having so many. They were always put down to stress and anxiety because I’ve had them since childhood. But *touch wood* they keep at bay.

Thankfully the aches and pains and cleared up and I’m back to the usual amount given that I have other health issues. I’m also a more normal temperature but that could just be the cold weather.

My moods have been a little wobbly but nothing I can’t handle, and my rubbish mood today is being put down to Amazon not delivering a parcel they said they would.

I’ve still been sleeping fairly well. I’m keeping a fairly strict bedtime routine which may seem childish to some people but when you can go days without sleeping it helps to make your body think it’s due to be tired at the same time every day. I’m keeping up with meditation too, which is also helping me sleep.

So far I’m feeling this is going well. I feel more human. More like me. It’s really giving me hope for the future. I’m hoping these are genuine side effects… or is it all in my head?

Kim x