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Tag Archives: depression

How’s the weather?

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You know when you sit there for ages trying to get your thoughts in a line so you can write a blog post? Everything just seems to keep spinning around and suddenly your head has turned into come kind of weather station, with this hurricane of words just circling and circling. Clear thoughts seem foggy, or whatever you’re supposed to be focused on gets covered in an avalanche as your mind snowballs into oblivion.

Suddenly you’re thinking about how your life fits into the idea of what you thought it would be. You feel shackled to routine by tablet alarms and bed times, because you’re a sensitive little snowflake and you hate that. You feel half the person you should be, because you know you aren’t like everyone else.

You rely on artificial relaxation to help you sleep and you subscribe to weight loss plans that are selling common sense. Slowly, you start to break away from the herd, hoping that you’ll have the space to change and grow into who you really are.

But you find yourself looking back and you realise you’re tired from forcing yourself to grow. You realise that even while you soar, you aren’t a bird. You’re a kite, forever tethered.

The rain tastes like freedom, the fresh air smells like rejuvenation, the sun feels like happiness. And you crave it, reaching out only for it to brush against your fingertips as the shackles pull you back into the eye of the storm.

Would you rather…?

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The past few days (maybe the last 5-10) have been an increasing difficult game of would you rather.

Would you rather eat or shower?

Would you rather clean your teeth or get dressed?

Would you rather think or listen?

I don’t have enough energy to function. I don’t have enough left to be human. Every morning I wake up with a headache, thinking to myself “I can’t do this anymore” or “How am I going to make it through today?”

I feel like I couldn’t just sleep forever.

Weekly Update #5

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Well I haven’t been able to weigh myself this week but I’m sure that I haven’t lost anything (which I am totally blaming on Christmas)…

I’m still on the 150mg extended release and this is the first week I’ve actually thought “Maybe I shouldn’t do this.” I’ve been able to feel my mood rollercoaster and it’s been reported that I’ve been grumpy (Sorry to my dear hubby xxx).

I’m going to see this through until the new year and I plan to stay on the 150mg threshold for an extra month to give myself more time to settle. It might seem like this is a step back but I’m seeing this as a step forward. I’m recognising that I need more time and I need to get this worked out correctly.

The appetite is coming back with vengeance but I also haven’t been doing my meditation either. I’m trying to channel it into eating more fruits and veggies. Even thought I think I’m hungrier, it’s easier to make better choices.

I’m also finding sleep harder. Staying asleep, getting to sleep. I’m trying to stick to a bed time routine which sees me going to bed at about 9pm, but I could still sleep for 12 hours.

Before I could have slept for 14-16 hours. I don’t feel any tireder for sleeping for less, which is good.

I was thinking that I was failing a little, and I was worried that I was going to have to go back. But after writing this I feel that I’m not as our of control as I thought. Maybe this is just me? Maybe I’m but a happy, bubbly person.

Everyone has mood swings, and moments of tears and frustrations. Maybe I’m not as ill as I thought, or maybe I’m learning to deal with myself as a person.

Kim x

Weekly Update #4

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Man, I’m starting to loose track of these!

Totally weight loss: 2kgs

Weekly weight loss: 0kgs

Medication: new dosage of 150mg extended release.

Starting today I’m only on the 150mg extended release. The thing I am worrying about the most is sleep. I need my sleep. I love it. Even when I was a baby I slept well and a lot. I get slumpy (sleepy-grumpy) easily and I’m not a nice person to be around. Lately I’ve been using a lot of meditation to help with that.

So the food thing is still an issue. I really can’t eat as much as I used too, and I shoes in things like chocolates. Where as before I could eat a whole sharing bag of Galaxy Counters, these days I struggle with even a quarter. I want more fruit and veggies. It’s like my body is choosing them. I’m also not fussed whether I eat or not. For the most part I’m eating because I should or because I like the taste, not hunger.

I’m also starting to wear some stuff I couldn’t fit into before so maybe my scales are wrong because they don’t show a great loss. I can feel certain parts of my body have changed and I feel I am curvier in the right places. Hubby has noticed a difference too.

I’m still having mood swings but trying really hard to manage them, although I feel they are becoming more noticeable to outsiders. I don’t know if I’m struggling to manage my autism more or not. Those parts of me are struggling to be kept under control.

I need to be in a routine and I need to have things done in a certain way. It’s getting to me more and more when this doesn’t happen. Yes, I know I sound like a spoilt brat but I promise you it’s not just about getting my own way.

Generally still having less foggy brain days (except for the fibro ones), but I am having more aches and pains lately. At the moment I’m choosing to put them down to either fibro, tiredness, or both.

The next 4 weeks will be a challenge especially with Christmas, and I’m toying with the idea of trying to keep a mood by hour diary. This is when you take a 12 hour period, like 8am to 8pm and every hour you right down a number from 1 to 10. 1 being the worst possible mood you can imagine and 10 being the best, manic mood.

But I’m pretty lazy and it is the holidays so we’ll see…

Kim x

Weekly Update #3

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Day 22

No adjustments in medication this week. We are keeping to 150mg extended release and 25mg immediate.

I’ve discovered a new side effect! Memory loss. I forget things very quickly, usually within minutes of being told them or thinking of them, and now need reminders for everything. Like yesterday and today I tried to constantly remind myself to put medication in my work bag. I set reminders on my phone. I still managed to forget and only remembered that I didn’t have them until it was time to take them.

I still have a loss of appetite and have lost some weight but I think more inches. Some clothes and parts of my body are feeling different, but my weight has only decreased by 2kgs.

I still think I’ve been doing well with mood changes. I’m still noticing some but nothing I can’t cope with, or cant pull myself out of. Until today.

I have a mini-breakdown (for lack of a better word). I called the doctors at the beginning of the week to get my next months tablets and was told they know nothing of the change. After a lot of ringing around I finally managed to speak to the medical secretary who ensured that the letter confirming the change was to be fax over urgently yesterday.

I called them today and was told I would get a call back from the doctor. I did (shock) and was told that he would try to get my medications issued early next week. The thing is, he advise that they probably had the letter and that it just hadn’t been processed at the surgery.

He also couldn’t tell me how long it will take for them to completely process it… So… what do I do? Do I just go without? My consultant explicitly told me not too because of how long I’d been on them. Do I skip doses to make them last longer? Do I go down there to beg and plead? Am I going to have to do this every month when I need a change?

So this triggered an awful spiral down; I’ll just hurt myself and go to A&E. I’ll force them to help me. It’s my fault for being so broken and it would be so much easier if no one had to deal with this. I mean, the doctors surely think so.

I know these thought are bad, and I’m probably overwhelmed by Christmas but I just couldn’t help me. So I cried and Adam talked to me. I probably worried him which I feel awful for but I just can’t fight like this every month. And no one can fight for me.

I’m hoping this get resolved and I get to continue on my journey to get off my medication. I’m putting this all down to just being overwhelmed.

I blame Christmas.

Kim x

 

 

 

Rant: Be Strong

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I keep seeing these people who go on about being strong. I guess it goes somewhat hand in hand with mental health. And, don’t get me wrong, it’s great when you’re in the right mind space.

All things given I feel that I’m in a good place mentally, but today I saw a post that just annoyed me. I’m 100% sure that the poster meant well and I’m not into the business of telling people what they can and cannot post, and yes I know I can unfollow things I don’t want to see.

My issue isn’t directly with the phrase used: “Be Strong”. My issue is with what people think “strong” looks like. It’s always portrayed as fighting the world, or taking on new ventures. It’s always kicking mental health in the arse and achieving goals that you didn’t think you’d ever meet.

But what when it’s not? What if being strong is just getting out of bed one morning? What if being strong is letting people see how much you are struggling, or breaking down in front of your family and letting them know everything is not okay? What if being strong is making that phone call for help when you are stood at the edge of a bridge or staring into a bottle of pain medication?

I don’t want to stop everyone celebrating their wins. I really don’t. If you are someone that is currently in a great place or is making taking huge leaps towards the success of getting better than well done. Really. Because I know its not easy.

But you should know that in those dark moments you need to celebrate the small things. You need to count those as successes because it’s rough, especially when you’re on a path that feels like it never ends.

What I’m trying to say is lets celebrate each other for all the small things as well as a big things. Whether it’s completing that 5k run or just taking a shower; lets be strong. Lets celebrate together.

Speak up if you need help and speak up if you can give help.

Kim x

Weekly Update #1

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Weekly Update #1

I originally saw the doctor on the 22nd November who agreed that I was stable enough and had developed sufficient coping strategies to look at starting to reduce my medication. After being on it for 5 years I’m going to have to taper this off slowly because, even though quetiapine isn’t chemically addictive in the same way as benzos, my body and brain will have adjusted to work with the chemicals I’ve been putting into it.

Changing this rapidly could give me some horrible and serious withdrawals which I’d like to avoid as much as possible. I’m not going to be able to avoid everything but at least I can try to minimise it.

Even though I’m not on a massive dose (200mg extended release at night) I’ll still need to taper. So we agreed going down to 150mg extended release and 25mg standard release. This is only a 25mg reduction overall and the doctor said that I probably wouldn’t feel anything for at least 4 weeks, but I’m not so sure. Extended release and immediate will be explained in another blog.

Because of this difference in type of medication it feels like I’ve taken a bigger dose decrease and I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling different.

Over the past week the biggest change I’ve noticed has to be my eating habits. A doctor once explained to me how the meds I’m on change how my body processes fat and glucose. I’ve gone from easily eating 3 meals a day and never feeling full to forcing myself to eat at all (which, lets face it, probably won’t do me much harm short term).

The next biggest change in my mood and brain function. I feel…clearer and less foggy. More in control but saying that, I’ve felt my mood change more frequently. Not as violently as they were, but it’s still there. I’m still fairly sure my husband will say I’m still as clumsy and ditzy as before.

The last change I’ve noticed is flu like symptoms. Being achy and cold and I’m never normally cold. Friends and family joke that I could on the north pole and still be warm. I’m hurting more, but something feels different.

So, do I have a cold? Is it just a fibro flare? Did I overstretch at Pilates?

Or is it all in my head?

Kim x