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Tag Archives: bipolar

How’s the weather?

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You know when you sit there for ages trying to get your thoughts in a line so you can write a blog post? Everything just seems to keep spinning around and suddenly your head has turned into come kind of weather station, with this hurricane of words just circling and circling. Clear thoughts seem foggy, or whatever you’re supposed to be focused on gets covered in an avalanche as your mind snowballs into oblivion.

Suddenly you’re thinking about how your life fits into the idea of what you thought it would be. You feel shackled to routine by tablet alarms and bed times, because you’re a sensitive little snowflake and you hate that. You feel half the person you should be, because you know you aren’t like everyone else.

You rely on artificial relaxation to help you sleep and you subscribe to weight loss plans that are selling common sense. Slowly, you start to break away from the herd, hoping that you’ll have the space to change and grow into who you really are.

But you find yourself looking back and you realise you’re tired from forcing yourself to grow. You realise that even while you soar, you aren’t a bird. You’re a kite, forever tethered.

The rain tastes like freedom, the fresh air smells like rejuvenation, the sun feels like happiness. And you crave it, reaching out only for it to brush against your fingertips as the shackles pull you back into the eye of the storm.

War of the Worlds

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Today is one of those days. In fact, it’s kinda been feeling like it’s been going for a few weeks now.

I haven’t wanted to write on here but I get overwhelmed by the monster in my head telling me that I shouldn’t. It fills me full of self-doubt, anxiety and anger. It makes me feel useless, and worthless.

It’s like I have two monsters in my head. One is bad and the other is good, like Jekyll and Hyde. Jekyll makes me happy, balanced. He allows me to work hard, put make up on because I feel good. He is encouraging and warm, funny and intelligent. I’d like to think that he reflects my natural personality.

Then we come to Hyde. The thing is that Jekyll get bored or tired or weak and goes off to find something better to do which leaves Hyde. Hyde gives me headaches. He’s mean and tells me that I’m not worthy, that I don’t measure up. He lets me makes mistakes and then mocks me for them. So I’ve learnt not to make choices. He mocks me for that too.

I fight him but he never lets me win.

But, as I’m writing this I’m realising that I have the war going on inside me and I don’t think I’m fighting Hyde alone. You see, when Jekyll is hibernating and Hyde is running rampage with me it’s difficult for me to carry on with normal daily life. Hyde kind of rules over Fibro and Annie (anxiety). They don’t always work at a threesome, but usually Hyde annoys one of the two and then they all get involved. When the three of them are running riot it makes it difficult for Auts (autism) to behave too but I think that’s because my patience is already wearing thin.

Back to my point; when all of this is going on I’m just stood in the middle while they fight over me, they fight over who gets the bigger room (head space) and who gets the last chocolate bar (energy). Sometimes you don’t seem who else is fighting for you.

I have these other energies that try and help me stabilise. We have Solider. He really isn’t shy about getting in there and taking more than his share of hits, never faltering. He brings supplies with him, sets up camp and will stay on duty constantly if I need him too.

Next we have Balance. She’s been there my whole life, literally. She wraps me in a bubble and lifts me out of the situation so I can see what’s going on. She gives me the other side to every argument, just in case I need it, and she has Soldier’s back too. She’ll let me know if he’s taking too make or unnecessary hits. Sometimes that’s enough for me to put Hyde back in his box, because I’m quite fond of Solider and for the ones I love I will do great and terrible things.

Lastly we have the mini energies. The two of them don’t always get along, but I love them like children (they fight like siblings). They are noisy, and demanding, but ever loving. A head bump or chirp from them can make everyone stand still for a second in pure silence. They let me refocus.

It’s busy in my head, to say the least but looking back I have no idea how it would function without all this stuff going on. It’s exhausting, painful and delicate but I don’t know any other way than to keep fighting.

Kim x

 

Happy

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Over the past week or so I’ve been on a rollercoaster of thoughts. However, I’m finding that if I can work past them I’m actually happier than when I was on the higher dose of meds.

It feels like true happiness. Before felt kind of….manufactured.

So, I’ve been back crocheting. Making dragons this time. (The pattern is from Little Bear Crochets. I believe there is a website but I got the patterns from Etsy).

Having this is so relaxing and it helps so much with my anxiety, it really does means the difference between sleeping and not some nights.

I just wanted to show you how these little dragons have helped me through some really difficult head spaces.

If you are struggling with mental health, even if your not actually, I encourage you to take up a hobby. Anything creative is a huge outlet for all sorts of emotions and feelings. I find it calms the mind in more ways than one, and for tonight I’m going to sleep happy. Not content, not okay. Happy. Real happiness.

Would you rather…?

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The past few days (maybe the last 5-10) have been an increasing difficult game of would you rather.

Would you rather eat or shower?

Would you rather clean your teeth or get dressed?

Would you rather think or listen?

I don’t have enough energy to function. I don’t have enough left to be human. Every morning I wake up with a headache, thinking to myself “I can’t do this anymore” or “How am I going to make it through today?”

I feel like I couldn’t just sleep forever.

Well that was fun (!)

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Well that was fun (!)

Today was the first time I had a panic attack in public.

I flew home from a lovely few days in Spain. Flights always give me a little anxiety because I struggle to be around so many people, and these people are strangers. I also have issues with sound and a huge fear of people being sick.

We started to pull away from the gate and guy behind me started vomiting. I went straight into panic mode.

I cupped my ears (thankfully I managed to get headphones in), started crying, rocking. I couldn’t breathe and I just curled as far away as I could which as you can probably imagine isn’t really that easy on a plane. I assume people were looking at me.

Thankfully, Hubby knew what to do. He rubbed my back, and put music on my phone. He explained to those around me who were probably giving me the weirdest looks. He protected me as much as he could. He was perfect. I know that people react differently, but having someone around who knows how to help you is the best thing. I have no idea how I would have coped with him.

It was hugely embarrassing, but having him to help did make it better in the end.

So to everyone on the jet2 flight LS1216 from Alicante, staff included, I’m so sorry you had to see that. Thank you for making me feel normal.

If you only do one thing in the new year, and you’re struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, try and tell someone. They’ll understand more and if anything it might make your panic attack a slightly be easier to deal with.

Happy new year and blessed be

Kim x

Dream #1

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Last night I had a really weird dream. One of those that wake you up and keep you awake. It only lets you lightly doze for the rest of the night and wakes you up every 30 minutes.

It wasn’t anything particular traumatic but something I felt was giving me a meaning. I feel these dreams are just another side effect from my meds. Thinking back, nothing they was in my dream was anything to do with what I was watching on TV it talking about with anyone.

What I remember was seeing a friend who was pregnant. She was about ready to pop and went to the hospital to find out the baby was going to be still born. I remember having a Lego set to build, and going to a shop/cafe like place. They had a secret room that they would let me in. It was very white and clean.

This room somehow became white walls of a cave/room. Hubby and my friend was there and the wind was really blowing outside. There was a storm and, even though we were inside, we all got struck be lightening. I was first and I starting having a fit from it. I tried to tell the others but I couldn’t speak.

I feel like there are certain parts of my dream that stood out to me and were giving me a hidden meaning.

When dreaming about stillborns, it’s often linked to the end of something. Maybe trust in someone. It can also be linked to disruptions, failures or the loss of the feeling of achievement, like when you are trying to finish a project but loose it close to the end.

The second thing that stood out was the lightening strike. Often it’s paired with intuition and inspiration, but can be linked to raw energy with both the power to generate and be destructive.

The last thing was the fit/seizure. That only happens after I’d been struck by lightening. I could talk it warm people. This is usually representing a loss of control. The thing is, I could have sworn t was real. I would have put money on that I’d had some kind of seizure in real life. It scared me.

Maybe something will happen that I have no control over, something I lose and the dream was a warning. Maybe my brain was working overtime from the week. It just feels odd because last night was the first time I’d meditated in a week.

Or maybe it’s all in my head?

Kim x

Weekly Update #5

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Well I haven’t been able to weigh myself this week but I’m sure that I haven’t lost anything (which I am totally blaming on Christmas)…

I’m still on the 150mg extended release and this is the first week I’ve actually thought “Maybe I shouldn’t do this.” I’ve been able to feel my mood rollercoaster and it’s been reported that I’ve been grumpy (Sorry to my dear hubby xxx).

I’m going to see this through until the new year and I plan to stay on the 150mg threshold for an extra month to give myself more time to settle. It might seem like this is a step back but I’m seeing this as a step forward. I’m recognising that I need more time and I need to get this worked out correctly.

The appetite is coming back with vengeance but I also haven’t been doing my meditation either. I’m trying to channel it into eating more fruits and veggies. Even thought I think I’m hungrier, it’s easier to make better choices.

I’m also finding sleep harder. Staying asleep, getting to sleep. I’m trying to stick to a bed time routine which sees me going to bed at about 9pm, but I could still sleep for 12 hours.

Before I could have slept for 14-16 hours. I don’t feel any tireder for sleeping for less, which is good.

I was thinking that I was failing a little, and I was worried that I was going to have to go back. But after writing this I feel that I’m not as our of control as I thought. Maybe this is just me? Maybe I’m but a happy, bubbly person.

Everyone has mood swings, and moments of tears and frustrations. Maybe I’m not as ill as I thought, or maybe I’m learning to deal with myself as a person.

Kim x