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Tag Archives: anxiety

How’s the weather?

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You know when you sit there for ages trying to get your thoughts in a line so you can write a blog post? Everything just seems to keep spinning around and suddenly your head has turned into come kind of weather station, with this hurricane of words just circling and circling. Clear thoughts seem foggy, or whatever you’re supposed to be focused on gets covered in an avalanche as your mind snowballs into oblivion.

Suddenly you’re thinking about how your life fits into the idea of what you thought it would be. You feel shackled to routine by tablet alarms and bed times, because you’re a sensitive little snowflake and you hate that. You feel half the person you should be, because you know you aren’t like everyone else.

You rely on artificial relaxation to help you sleep and you subscribe to weight loss plans that are selling common sense. Slowly, you start to break away from the herd, hoping that you’ll have the space to change and grow into who you really are.

But you find yourself looking back and you realise you’re tired from forcing yourself to grow. You realise that even while you soar, you aren’t a bird. You’re a kite, forever tethered.

The rain tastes like freedom, the fresh air smells like rejuvenation, the sun feels like happiness. And you crave it, reaching out only for it to brush against your fingertips as the shackles pull you back into the eye of the storm.

War of the Worlds

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Today is one of those days. In fact, it’s kinda been feeling like it’s been going for a few weeks now.

I haven’t wanted to write on here but I get overwhelmed by the monster in my head telling me that I shouldn’t. It fills me full of self-doubt, anxiety and anger. It makes me feel useless, and worthless.

It’s like I have two monsters in my head. One is bad and the other is good, like Jekyll and Hyde. Jekyll makes me happy, balanced. He allows me to work hard, put make up on because I feel good. He is encouraging and warm, funny and intelligent. I’d like to think that he reflects my natural personality.

Then we come to Hyde. The thing is that Jekyll get bored or tired or weak and goes off to find something better to do which leaves Hyde. Hyde gives me headaches. He’s mean and tells me that I’m not worthy, that I don’t measure up. He lets me makes mistakes and then mocks me for them. So I’ve learnt not to make choices. He mocks me for that too.

I fight him but he never lets me win.

But, as I’m writing this I’m realising that I have the war going on inside me and I don’t think I’m fighting Hyde alone. You see, when Jekyll is hibernating and Hyde is running rampage with me it’s difficult for me to carry on with normal daily life. Hyde kind of rules over Fibro and Annie (anxiety). They don’t always work at a threesome, but usually Hyde annoys one of the two and then they all get involved. When the three of them are running riot it makes it difficult for Auts (autism) to behave too but I think that’s because my patience is already wearing thin.

Back to my point; when all of this is going on I’m just stood in the middle while they fight over me, they fight over who gets the bigger room (head space) and who gets the last chocolate bar (energy). Sometimes you don’t seem who else is fighting for you.

I have these other energies that try and help me stabilise. We have Solider. He really isn’t shy about getting in there and taking more than his share of hits, never faltering. He brings supplies with him, sets up camp and will stay on duty constantly if I need him too.

Next we have Balance. She’s been there my whole life, literally. She wraps me in a bubble and lifts me out of the situation so I can see what’s going on. She gives me the other side to every argument, just in case I need it, and she has Soldier’s back too. She’ll let me know if he’s taking too make or unnecessary hits. Sometimes that’s enough for me to put Hyde back in his box, because I’m quite fond of Solider and for the ones I love I will do great and terrible things.

Lastly we have the mini energies. The two of them don’t always get along, but I love them like children (they fight like siblings). They are noisy, and demanding, but ever loving. A head bump or chirp from them can make everyone stand still for a second in pure silence. They let me refocus.

It’s busy in my head, to say the least but looking back I have no idea how it would function without all this stuff going on. It’s exhausting, painful and delicate but I don’t know any other way than to keep fighting.

Kim x

 

Happy

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Over the past week or so I’ve been on a rollercoaster of thoughts. However, I’m finding that if I can work past them I’m actually happier than when I was on the higher dose of meds.

It feels like true happiness. Before felt kind of….manufactured.

So, I’ve been back crocheting. Making dragons this time. (The pattern is from Little Bear Crochets. I believe there is a website but I got the patterns from Etsy).

Having this is so relaxing and it helps so much with my anxiety, it really does means the difference between sleeping and not some nights.

I just wanted to show you how these little dragons have helped me through some really difficult head spaces.

If you are struggling with mental health, even if your not actually, I encourage you to take up a hobby. Anything creative is a huge outlet for all sorts of emotions and feelings. I find it calms the mind in more ways than one, and for tonight I’m going to sleep happy. Not content, not okay. Happy. Real happiness.